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#1
10-16-2009, 09:39 PM
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Why Men Chase Gerbils
The other day I was snacking on some frosted flakes for breakfast. It was Saturday, the most popular time of the week to drop by the galleria. I finished up and made my way there that mid-morning.
The sun was bright, the sky was robin's egg blue, and the breeze was heavenly. It was easily a cool seventy-one degrees to boot; a wonderful day. As I fired along on my motorbike, I noticed the gas guage was getting on the low side. I needed a gas station! The next exit luckily emptied onto a busy street known for its plentiful shops and eateries. There were plenty of fueling stations along that road, of course. I quickly arrived at the pump and gave the motorbike a good refill that totaled $15 or something to that extent. My wallet had a crisp $100 inside to cover this small need. Not so lucky, though, was the horrible line within the food mart. The shop was apparently having a sale on bread and various foodstuffs of that type. (people must love their bread and snacks) This particular line finally flushed itself out in just a few minutes, leaving me with the cashier to pay. Now, I normally don't pay attention to or mind general store clerks, but this woman was a beast! Her light-brown hair was encrusted in dirt and slicked flat to her head, and her "chest-meteors" slammed back-and-forth-and-all-over-the-place with each passing breath. Then there was the lady's over-filled sandbag backside; it could have easily passed as Jabba The Hutt's chin! Anyway, this clerk's voice bellowed like a crashing tanker when she spoke. "WHADDYA WHANT?", she belched. "I'S AINT'S GOTS ALL DAY!" "IF YOU'S LOOKIN' TO GET SOME BREAD, GO'S AND AKS DAT' UDDA GUY OVA THEA!" (She looked and sounded like an overly fat and drunken Barbra Walters, if you want a better description.) After this....woman blasted out these words of juice, I explained that I needed to pay for gasoline at pump number three. She asked (more like demanded) fifteen dollars, so I handed out my one-hundred. In turn, I was to get back eighty-five dollars. The lady pulled a fifty, twenty, and ten from the register. Then, in surprise, the lady spilled, "DER AIN'T NO MO FIVES IN HE'A! HO'D ON, I'S GONNA GRAB YOU WUN!" Although, it wasn't the register she "grabbed one" from. Wielding her plump and bubbly hand, she sifted it into her bra in a search for my remaining change. "OOH! I GOTS ONE!", she exclaimed. The lady pulled out.....an entire plate of bagels. "SHUCKS! DAT'S MUH LUNCHUMS!", she yelled. Using that huge hand, the lady catapulted the plate across the room where it loudly shattered through the window and dented a bus parked outside. "OOPSIES!", the lady said with embarassment. "DER'S WUN MO PLACE TA' LOOK!" You can only guess what the lady did next. Can you guess? No? Let me explain; this woman jabbed her entire arm through her sandbag buttocks and fished around for about two minutes. With great excitement and a gory splattery noise, she pulled out a five-dollar bill and dropped it onto my palm. As I lay there standing with the rankest wad of cash to have ever been released from a fat woman's flaming buns, I twitched with terror. "NEXT!", she roared. I ran outside with the last bit of my strength and tossed the vile bill into the adjacent parking lot. As I was pulling out of the gas station, I could have swore a....pack of raccons, parrots, and giraffes came out of the nearby forest and began fighting over something in that parking lot. It may have just been my imagination, but I degress. Harrowing fueling station affairs aside, I had finally arrived at the mall. I casually made my way to the foodcourt in the middle of the lovely establishment. With a buck, I grabbed a milky chai and settled in at a table. The typical people and hoodlums ran about as usual; oldies with their huge tootie engines and noisy children with full shorts. 'Twas a crowded day for a Saturday, but still a fun way to pass the time nontheless. Just then, out of the corner of my eye, I catch the sight of a svelt little girly-girl chatting it up with other chatty-chatties. Using my natural appeal and ooeyness, I naturally made my way over. "How're you doing?", I ask in a polite manner. She turns around and......it was the foulest dude I have ever laid my eyes on. "Hey honey!", he chirped. "You lookin' for a little sweetness today?" BAM! I was on my motorbike and sailing the highway. Just then, there was a loud crash behind me. A car came sailing straight in my direction and I swirved aside. The car crashed flat on its back on the side of the road. It was followed by a horrific blood-curdling scream. Just as I turned onto my exit, I large shadow made its presence right over me and my bike. In shock, I look up and there I make a horrible realization; it was SHE-MAN. He landed on my back and screamed, "YOU EMBARASSED ME IN FRONT OF MY BOOTIE BUDDIES! "FOR THIS, YOU SHALL PAY!" I smacked him in the nose, and he threw figs and pomelos from his shirt pocket. They sailed past my head and hit nearby runners which sent them flying to the ground. To this, SHE-MAN punched me in the back, leaving me breathless. The bike came to a sudden stop and SHE-MAN jumped off, landing on the pavement in front of me. I then remembered something when my mind finally came-to: the mint in my jacket pocket. "Here! Take this!", I screamed. The mint was then unwrapped, licked, and chucked onto SHE-MAN'S forhead to which it stuck. "WHAT IS THIS?", he/she/it screamed. A loud whistle soon made itself known, along with a gigantic shadow that loomed over SHE-MAN. Suddenly, with the loudest blast I ever heard, a rhino fell from the sky onto SHE-MAN. A pile of cola cans came pouring out of its butt and fireworks jutted from its ears into the sky, summoning the Macy's Thanksgiving parade. "AGH!", I yelled, and quickly drove home. My couch never felt so comfortable as I hit the cushion that afternoon. It was then that I drifted off and learned why men chase gerbils. ---END 
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#2
11-07-2009, 07:59 PM
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holy crap......
it was actually pretty good... what were you trippin on? can I get some?
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#3
11-08-2009, 02:45 AM
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I always wondered what would spam look like if the person that wrote it was high............ exceeded expectations I suppose.
Last edited by Kakashi_Hatake777 : 11-08-2009 at 10:44 AM. Reason: grammar errors and my O/C
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#4
11-08-2009, 10:35 AM
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#5
11-14-2009, 10:29 AM
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#6
12-15-2009, 07:03 AM
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he was on leafheadband.dec because according to saitsu, thats a more potent strain of marjiwhana
bravo: seriously, elegant spam...
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#7
12-15-2009, 11:26 AM
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Wow....I ask myself why I just wasted the 5 minutes of my life.
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#10
01-26-2010, 01:20 PM
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