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View Poll Results: Like it or Hate it?
1/10 HORRIBLE STOP IT NOW! 1 16.67%
2/10 Yuck it sucks. 0 0%
3/10 You sir suck at writing! 0 0%
4/10 Its bad but not throwup bad 0 0%
5/10 eh.... 0 0%
6/10 ok but need alot of work 1 16.67%
7/10 good but needs a little work 1 16.67%
8/10 its almost there 0 0%
9/10 great story 2 33.33%
10/10 I NEED MORE NOW! 1 16.67%
Voters: 6. You may not vote on this poll

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  #1  
Old 03-20-2008, 01:24 PM
Kalers03 Kalers03 is offline
Ninja Academy Student
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 8
Hinata's Admiration

This is my first fanfic, and i hope you like it. Of course i chose Naruhina for my first fan-fic Plz rate and comment and enjoy!


Ch. 1 A New Begining!

It was a dark and dusky night in Konoha, yet there was a young indigo hair colored girl about 15 year old training in the middle of the field thinking of a special blonde headed boy.

“I’ve got to get stronger before “he” gets here.” thought Hinata. Even the slightest thought of him tinted her cheeks with a light scarlet.……..little did she know today was the day he arrived from his 3 year training session with that old pervert Jiriaya .

“I-Its been a long time s-since I’ve seen his c-cerulean eyes, that make me feel like my b-bones are melting, or his cute w-whisker like scars on his ch-cheeks.” pondered Hinata. At this thought she couldn’t deny it anymore she was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him. She just wished that somehow he would return her feelings for her…….and with that the night kept on.

~In the morning~

“FINALLY IM BACK AT HOME!” screamed the knuckle headed boy. He couldn’t hold it in anymore he was glad he was back it had been 3 years since he had seen his home. He was eager to see how all his comrades had changed and to see their looks on their faces when they’ve seen how much Naruto has grown! With that thought he headed full-throttle towards the Hokage building.

“Oi Oba-san!” exclaimed Naruto as he opened the door to her office.

“N-Naruto is that really you?” Tsunade said while looking at the tall blonde boy in front of her. As she remembered Naruto was no doubt one of the shortest in his class, but now he stood a good “2 inches” above her. She was at loss of words all she could say was “Wow” as she looked at the tall boy whose muscles had been toned from hard training, with this she thought of how the Hyuga girl would take this. She came up with many scenarios all of which result in Hinata feinting.

“I’m here to say I’m not going on any missions until I see every one of my friends!” Naruto exclaimed!

“T-that’s fine Naruto, take a break and look around the city.” ordered the Hokage.

“Oi” said Naruto while heading out the door, where an unsuspecting Hyuga heiress was walking towards.

~BANG~ crashed Hinata, and Naruto, Hinata was sent tumbling, but Naruto stayed balanced as if nothing happened.

“Hinata! I’m so s- but Naruto was cut off as he saw the Hyuga’s face .

“Wow she’s so pretty thought Naruto as he gazed into her eyes which he noticed weren’t white like all Hyuga’s but instead pale lavender. He also noticed that her hair has grown, she no longer had it short; it was well past her shoulders. The light reflected off her Indigo hair, while Naruto was at loss of words. He noticed her hair and eyes weren’t the only things that had changed. All trace of baby fat was eliminated on her face, her nose was a perfect angle, her lips were full, and most of all her skin was shiny, and had a seducing creamy color to it. Her face wasn’t the only thing that changed; she had long shapely legs, a nice butt, and perfect curves here and there. His eyes scanned up more and he noticed she still wore a hoody, but she was developed in the “chest region” more than anywhere else on her body, although the hoody covered most of it he could still make out her “size”. He noticed that her chest was developed way more than all the other kunoichi, but not as to seem unporportional, he thought her chest suited her perfectly.

Naruto wasn’t the only one lost of words, she too noticed the dramatic change on her crush. His face also had no trace of baby fat; his eyes somehow became bluer than she had ever seen. His whisker like scars became slightly thicker. She felt herself blush but she couldn’t control it. Her eyes moved down towards his body, and if possible she blushed even deeper crimson. His body was perfectly toned and he couldn’t help but look at his arms which even through his jacket looked toned. She couldn’t help but look lower to notice his “package” had gotten way bigger. With this she invented a new shade of crimson and feinted.

“Hinata!” yelled Naruto as he was oblivious to what just happened. He gently shook her but she didn’t wake up. He then decided it’d be best if he took her to the hospital..

So What do you think???? rate and comment plz!
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  #2  
Old 03-21-2008, 12:35 PM
Nara6200 Nara6200 is offline
Jonin
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Posts: 526
Well, its not bad for a first time. Your writing style is really good. If you can, try to keep your chapters above 2k words...a lot of people don't want to waste time reading something that can be read in one or two minutes.

Just wondering, how far ahead do you have this fanfic planed out, because that is what keeps a story good...when the plot has a direction and not just made up on the spot. Normally one can pick out the stories where the author has not made a story line for his fanfic to follow.
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  #3  
Old 03-21-2008, 12:38 PM
Kalers03 Kalers03 is offline
Ninja Academy Student
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 8
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nara6200 View Post
Well, its not bad for a first time. Your writing style is really good. If you can, try to keep your chapters above 2k words...a lot of people don't want to waste time reading something that can be read in one or two minutes.

Just wondering, how far ahead do you have this fanfic planed out, because that is what keeps a story good...when the plot has a direction and not just made up on the spot. Normally one can pick out the stories where the author has not made a story line for his fanfic to follow.
I havent planned the whole story but i do have alot of it done just to lazy to type it lol
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  #4  
Old 03-21-2008, 12:48 PM
Nara6200 Nara6200 is offline
Jonin
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Posts: 526
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kalers03 View Post
I havent planned the whole story but i do have alot of it done just to lazy to type it lol
Don't worry about not having it typed up...a lot of authors barely stay a half chapter ahead of what they release. As for the plot line, most of the good authors that I've talked to say that when they plan out a story they try to plan out about 10 to 20 chapters, keeping in mind that they want the chapters to be about 2 to 6k each, befor they start to type up the story. Also, quite a few of them says that it helps to make detailed description about all the main characters, main events that they have planed to happen, and anything else they consider important to the story so that you have a guide line for everything, which helps the story to flow smoothly.
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  #5  
Old 03-21-2008, 03:04 PM
sasukesgirl379 sasukesgirl379 is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 27
that was great write more
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  #6  
Old 03-21-2008, 05:27 PM
Kalers03 Kalers03 is offline
Ninja Academy Student
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 8
Quote:
Originally Posted by sasukesgirl379 View Post
that was great write more
Y thanks
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  #7  
Old 03-21-2008, 05:31 PM
rasengan_pwns_chidori rasengan_pwns_chidori is offline
Jonin
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 3,797
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kalers03 View Post
This is my first fanfic, and i hope you like it. Of course i chose Naruhina for my first fan-fic Plz rate and comment and enjoy!


Ch. 1 A New Beginning!

It was a dark and dusky night in Konoha, yet there was a young indigo hair colored girl Should be: There was a young girl with Indigo hairabout 15 years old, training in the middle of the field thinking of a special blonde-headed boy.

“I’ve got to get stronger before “he” gets here.” thought Hinata. Even the slightest thought of him tinted her cheeks with a light scarlet.……..little did she know today was the day he arrived from his 3 year training session with that old pervert Jiriaya .

“I-Its been a long time s-since I’ve seen his c-cerulean eyes, that make me feel like my b-bones are melting, or his cute w-whisker like scars on his ch-cheeks.” pondered Hinata. At this thought she couldn’t deny it anymore she was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him. She just wished that somehow he would return her feelings for her…….and with that the night kept on.

~In the morning~

“FINALLY IM BACK AT HOME!” screamed the knuckle-headed boy. He couldn’t hold it in anymore: he was glad he was back. It had been 3 years since he had seen his home. He was eager to see how all his comrades had changed and to see their looks on their faces when they’ve seen how much Naruto has grown Should be: they see how much he has grown! With that thought he headed full-throttle towards the Hokage building.

“Oi Oba-san!” exclaimed Naruto as he opened the door to her office.

“N-Naruto is that really you?” Tsunade said while looking at the tall blonde boy in front of her. As she remembered Naruto was no doubt one of the shortest in his class, but now he stood a good “2 inches” above her. She was at loss of words all she could say was “Wow” as she looked at the tall boy whose muscles had been toned from hard training. With this, she thought of how the Hyuga girl would take this. She came up with many scenarios all of which result in Hinata fainting.

“I’m here to say, I’m not going on any missions until I see every one of my friends!” Naruto exclaimed!

“T-that’s fine Naruto, take a break and look around the city.” ordered the Hokage.

“Oi” said Naruto while heading out the door, where an unsuspecting Hyuga heiress was walking towards.

~BANG~ crashed Hinata, and Naruto. Hinata was sent tumbling, but Naruto stayed balanced as if nothing happened.

“Hinata! I’m so s-" but Naruto was cut off as he saw the Hyuga’s face .

“Wow she’s so pretty" thought Naruto as he gazed into her eyes which he noticed weren’t white like all Hyuga’s but instead pale lavender. He also noticed that her hair has grown, she no longer had it short; it was well past her shoulders. The light reflected off her Indigo hair, while Naruto was at loss of words. He noticed her hair and eyes weren’t the only things that had changed. All trace of baby fat was eliminated on her face, her nose was a perfect angle, her lips were full, and most of all her skin was shiny, and had a seducing creamy color to it. Her face wasn’t the only thing that changed; she had long shapely legs, a nice butt, and perfect curves here and there. His eyes scanned up more and he noticed she still wore a hoody, but she was developed in the “chest region” more than anywhere else on her body, although the hoody covered most of it he could still make out her “size”. He noticed that her chest was developed way more than all the other kunoichi, but not as to seem unporportional, he thought her chest suited her perfectly.

Naruto wasn’t the only one lost of words, she too noticed the dramatic change on her crush. His face also had no trace of baby fat; his eyes somehow became bluer than she had ever seen. His whisker like scars became slightly thicker. She felt herself blush but she couldn’t control it. Her eyes moved down towards his body, and if possible she blushed even deeper crimson. His body was perfectly toned and he couldn’t help but look at his arms which even through his jacket looked toned. She couldn’t help but look lower to notice his “package” had gotten way bigger. With this she invented a new shade of crimson and feinted.

“Hinata!” yelled Naruto as he was oblivious to what just happened. He gently shook her but she didn’t wake up. He then decided it’d be best if he took her to the hospital..

So What do you think???? rate and comment plz!
Made a few minor changes. It's really good for a first try! The sexuall innuendo's are kinda unnecessary...
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