Poo Toucher and The Golden Grill-A origin story about shat....
so if you are not in these one of two categories, you should consider stop reading:
a.) you live(d) in the NW area in the last two years, thus you know me.
b.) you've seen my booty on these boards and wondered what it means to be a "Poo Toucher".
you've been warned sirs and lady sirs.
I wrote this about three years ago with Rob Goblin for an English class and received a 88/100. The topic was the very popular "create your own Greek myth"
Poo Toucher and the Golden Grill
The story of the first grill is a magical one; it begins with our hero in a much darker place. In the ranch that was Stanicus', we find the one that was known only as Poo Toucher, whose teeth were like that of an ***, whose hair was as unkempt as a pile of hay, and whose nose was as brown as the doo doo he so passionately enjoyed.
Poo Toucher was sitting one day inspecting the latest bit of dookie that fell upon the groun, as Stanicus watched mortified at the horrendous act, and Bobicus came to him.
"Is he doing it again?" inquired Bobicus.
"Yes, I have seen some disturbing things as a rancher, but this is by far the vilest act I have ever been witness to!" replied Stanicus.
"I believe I have a solution to our problem, Stanicus,"
"By all means, Bobicus, if you have a method, do it now whilst I still retain mine breakfast."
And he did just that.
Bobicus approached Poo Toucher as if he were a bomb, and chose his words carefully as he began to converse with the Toucher.
"Hello there, Poo Toucher" Bobicus said carefully.
"Hello" Poo Toucher said, not caring to look up from the finkle matter that he was studying as if it were a majestic sunrise.
"You know, I have noticed that you come here every day, on our peice of land, and touch yonder dookie of our goats."
"Well, I thought it my duty---"
"Hehe dooty," Poo Toucher muffled as he whiffed another finger load of goat trails.
"Anyway, I just thought you should know," he began to lie to Poo Toucher. "On yonder mountain there lies a golden goat with a golden fleece and that means golden trails."
"POO, golden POO!!"
*Sniff sniff* "Really?" Poo Toucher answered as he inhaled a large ammount of doo doo on his finger. Suddenly, his attention shifted from the load towards Bobicus, "All right, I'm listening. Tell me more, Bobicus."
"Well," Bobicus quickly thought to come up with a convincing story to fool the Toucher, "Legend is told tat if you climb to the top of younder mountain, you will come upon a golden goat, and if you are worthy he will bestow upon you a golden trail---"
"Yes, Poo, and of wondrous sheen that will turn any substance into gold. But be wary; the mount contains many perils, and gods don't like it when a cracker gets his shine on."
"I must go to the top of that mountain and sniff it!"
"Yes, go now!" and go he went.
First, however, he had to make a stop at his fabled village of Greekworld, where his mother Momicus resided. Poo Toucher crept silently into the house, for it was 2:30 p.m., and Momicus no doubt had a massive hangover from the festival last eve whilst she drank way too much "wine". He fetched a bag of his favorite things: his first bag of goat dookie, which was so rotten it burnt holes in even the most stable tables; a bag of magical lax known as ex given to him by a brown wizard; a picture of two goats making bears at the same time, and twenty-five goat dingleberry pellets with a sling. As Poo Toucher made haste to leave the house which was Momicus', he was confronted by the thing he hated most, a hung-over Momicus.
"What do you want, Poo Toucher?"
"I am here to pick up a bag of my favorite things, Momicus. I am leaving now to climb yonder mountain, Mt. Mountaincus."
"Well, don't you no come back, not till I get some grandchillin's"
"Very well, Momicus. Fare thee well then until I return with the wench I trick into bearing my child!"
Outside, Poo Toucher was confronted yet again by three of the most diabolical wenches and their master, Puff Dadicus.
"There he is, my lord!" The first wench said.
"that's him alright; I'd recognize those *** teeth anywhere," sneered the second.
"Puff Dadicus is gonna bust you up good, Toucher!" the third spat.
"My fine wenches say that you owe them some money for something involving dookie and a rubber hose. Now I'm not really confortable asking what exactly that was, but I do know you owe me 100 greekens," Puff Dadicus said as he tilted his berretta hat and leaned over his oaken cane.
"Rest assured, Puff Dadicus, I will pay you. But..." Poo Toucher lead.
"But what, Toucher?" Puff Dadicus bit.
"But, I could just give you this magical ex that was called lax, given to me by a powerful brown wizard. You take this bottle and explode with sensation within minutes!"
"Well...Very well, give the ex to me."
And as Puff Dadicus took the ex, he immediately needed to use the bathroom. As the wenches ran off to console him, Poo Toucher knew he was going to be okay, but not for very long. Not with the perilous trails that lay before him...
As Poo Toucher approached his goal, Mt. Mountainicus, he realized that he was going to need every last ounce of determination to get that golden scat. He started the way anyone would start, by climbing the rocks. As he reached the first shoulder of Mt. Mountainicus, he encountered two giant dung beetles of monstrous proportions fighting about something that Poo Toucher could not quite comprehend.
"It's your fault we never have any precious matter; you always roll it over there, and every time it falls off, leaving us with nothing to eat!" cried the first Dung Beetle.
"Maybe so, however I am the one doing all the work for food, rolling it up and and finding it and--" the second dung beetle stopped abruptly as he laid his gaze upon Poo Toucher.
"And what?" the first asked. Then, he, too, was fixated on the Toucher.
"And just who might you be?" the second asked.
"My name is of no concern to you, but if you must call me something, call me Poo Toucher."
"Ah, yes, a human. He can make much food for us if we capture him, get him NOW!" the dung beetle exclaimed. As they both lunged forward in an attempt to grab him, Poo Toucher, fearing that he would be eaten, remembered the goat pellets and sling he had brought from the house of Momicus; he then quickly drew them. He shot ten pellets before the dung beetles knew what was going on, but once they realized what he was throwing at them, they stopped their attack, seemingly much more interested in the goat clippings they were barraged with than Poo Toucher.
"Get them quickly," shrieked the first dung beetle "Come on, you dolt, before he realizes what he has done!" And while they were preoccupied with the pellets, Poo Toucher escaped and began to climb the mountain once again in search of the Golden Goat.
As the sun drew down quickly, Poo Toucher thought he should rest for the night and continue his journey in the 'morrow. Once he found a cave sufficient for him to rest peacefully, it had begun to snow. Poo Toucher, being the scholar that he was, had forgotten to bring any kind of clothing except that which was on his back, a toga that was made to be brown after the life that Poo Toucher had perused and a pair of Air Hermes'. He huddled himself up for comfort, realizing that he had not had a taste of doo doo or even doo doo butter in hours. He felt lonely, and for comfort he pulled out his picture; it was of two goats making bears at the same time on the ranch that was Stanicus'. It had felt like years since he had been back there, sniffing the excrement of real goat.
He slept peacefully through the night, knowing tomorrow would be better. but would it?
Poo Toucher awoke suddenly the next day and arose as if he had been asleep for weeks. He climbed what seemed to be the last stretch of mountainside and got to the top when suddenly he realized that he had gone up the wrong side! You see, for one side of Mt. Mountainicus was a valley and the other was a smaller mountain of pure ice. It appeared that all was lost, and Poo Toucher, cursing his rotten luck, felt he was truly not worthy of the golden goat or his dookie. Until, that is, that he realized he still had one more thing in his bag, the most important thing...His first scat pile!
He took it out of his bag and gazed at it for a moment, admiring its beauty and how after all this time it still had steam coming off of its brown chunky exterior. He held it up to the ice and miraculously it melted right before him in the form of a walkway. Poo Toucher, being once of very peculiar disposition, never really understood this reaction to his magnificent pile.
At any rate, at the end of this walkway, he saw the thing that he had been chasing this whole time, the golden goat. The goat gave a loud call and dropped the largest load Poo Toucher had ever been witness to, and yet it shined gold, which further amazed him. He walked up shyly to the pile and grasped it. He took one large breath of its scent and was in awe; he had to have more. Poo Toucher quickly put his finger in the mess and scrubbed his teeth with it as he not done with a toothbrush in over a decade. He was so overcome by this thing that he jumped around in celebration and tripped over a rock on the edge of the cliff and fell down, down, down onto a sharp rock at the bottom of Mt. Mountainicus, headfirst, still smiling.
Poo Toucher got up groggily from the rock the way Momicus would around 1 p.m., looking, studying his surroundings
"I should be dead," He said only to himself, and then he realized what had happened. "Oh no, my teeth!" he exclaimed as he touched his teeth. They had indeed been turned to gold as Bobicus had foretold. "They are more durable than any teeth in the world of men!" he boasted, as he strutted his way back to his village Greekworld.
Once in Greekworld the three most diabolical wenches once again confronted him with their master Puff Dadicus, who was huddled over, clenching his stomach.
"You no-good trickster!" cried Puff Dadicus "That stuff made me have to empty mine self, whilst you snuck away. Well, you will not fool me this time!" he said as he pulled out his miniature sword to duel Poo Toucher. Poo Toucher opened his mouth, revealing what he had obtained, all four of his combatants were blinded by it. He snatched one of the wenches and headed to the home of Momicus.
He stumbled upon her, as she was the day before, hung over.
"Momicus," Poo Toucher called.
"Didn't I tell you not to come back till I have me a grandchillin'?" Momicus asked irritably.
"Yes, and I have returned with the wench that will bear you many kin," Poo Toucher boasted. "Take her to the kitchen now whereat she could preform her duty!"
"Very well, come along darling," Momicus said as she snacted the wench from Poo Toucher.
"What!? Grandchildren? Wait, STOP!!!" the wench cried.
As Poo Toucher once again went out in his village, he was approached by five of the most respected women in his village.
"Smile for me, Daddy," One said
"What are you looking at?" Poo Toucher asked, confused at their smiling faces.
"We wish to see your grill," another said.
"Your grill, ya ya your grill!"
And as he smiled, he blinded them all with the shine.
"I have teethe greater than the gods themselves!" He proclaimed. Zeus, hearing this, saw young Poo Toucher.
"No one makes that boast. I will smite thee!" and Zeus fired his legendary thunderbolt straight for Poo Toucher, hitting him in his grill and disintegrating him in the process. The one known only as Poo Toucher was no more. The only thing that remained was the mighty Golden Grill, showing it truly was more powerful than the gods, with its magical seen that would shine for millennia. Just then, Puff Dadicus G-glided past as everyone stood in shock at what had happened. He took the grill and put it on himself, smiled with his new gilded teeth, and walked away.
I'd like to thank Monk for telling me to post this and where, I'd also like to thank my mother, who taught me to throw nothing out. Now you all know what Poo Toucher really means. Thanks for reading